I'm a total lame-o.
Today, I got to hang out with my best friend of 3 years. Last year we hardly spoke and it broke my heart. I was so excited to finally have the chance to converse and just exist with him. We talked for hours about relationships, our year, our future, and our childhood. According to my sister, Lesliee, and my mom, I was smiling like a fool the whole time. But you know what they say, even fools fall in love. Not to suggest that I am in love with said friend, but I am.... hopelessly.
Today, my best friend of 3 years told me he could make me cry, and inside I was thinking "You don't have to do anything to make me cry. Just being here with you is making me choke back tears." Sappy and gross, I know. But what am I supposed to feel when I can't even look at him without feeling nervous and astonished at the same time? By the way, looking into those paradisiacal eyes that live behind his mile long lashes didn't help!
Today, I felt that something I thought had died inside of me long ago was alive. I'm foolish for feeling like this way. I mean it can't be love. Right? I'm FAR TOO YOUNG to know what love is. Right? Then again, high school sweethearts get married all the time! But if that's the case, he'll be marrying his girlfriend, an old friend of mine from Kindergarten. FML.
Today, my best friend of 3 years taught me a lot. Thanks to him, I know that Boli's aren't breakfast. I learned that he hasn't watched Friends in a while. I learned that he doesn't think he's going to marry his current girlfriend. I learned that he wants a tattoo that starts as a sleeve and goes up to his chest. (HOT! I know) if you want a girl to love you, you first have to make her hate you. I learned that everyone's a pervert. I learned that I shouldn't let my mom persuade me to wear shorts if I don't want to. I learned that he can be mean, but he never wants to be mean to me. I learned that you can't have breakfast for dinner. I learned that if I leave to Boston and he goes to UC Santa Barbara, he'll miss me. I learned that sometimes silence makes everything more intense and beautiful. I learned that I can't carry on this way.
Today, I realized that hot tears don't fix things. I just know that I have to keep sucking it up. Every time I feel like I'm falling for him, I have to snap out of it. Even if he brings out my femininity. Even if I can count on him for anything and everything. Even if I want to be with him asap. I guess I just have to remind myself that (get ready for the cliché) my love for him as a friend is way stronger than my love for him as anything more.
Today, I imagined my best friend of 3 years singing the tons of songs that played in my head as he spoke. His voice is sweeter than strawberries. His intellect on a level that I cannot grasp. His humor and mine completely intact. Our dreams so different, yet so freakishly similar. We can still talk about all the dumb stuff we used to talk about, but now there's a door that has opened that allows us to speak on a more mature level. Everything is the way it should be.
Today, when I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes, it wasn't the same as it was in the beginning of our Freshman year. You know what it felt like? Like I was resting my head on someone's shoulder! I know, I know. That's what I was doing, so that's what it should feel like, but it didn't feel like that last time.
Last time, we went to a football game at Sentinel Field. I was there with my 2 best friends: Princess and my best friend of 3 years. We talked and laughed as we did today, but in those days I was so comfortable just saying anything. That was the day we stood on the bleachers and hugged it out for, what seemed like, 5 minutes. My eyes were closed as I rested my head on his welcoming shoulder. I could have died there and not even noticed. He rocked us side to side as he spoke to me in that angelic voice. Princess even told me that a friend of ours, Da'Janae, asked if we were dating. That idea didn't (and still doesn't) sound bad at all. <3
-LucixHero
P.S. It's been over 15 hours since we went our separate ways, but this ridiculous grin is still living on my face.
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