Born to Run

Dear Anyone,
Everybodys out on the run tonight but there's no place left to hide.

You wanna get outta here? Or there? Wherever you are. Do you wanna run with me? I was born to run. Let's go. It's now or never. I'm packing up, and I'm going. Where? i don't know. I'll follow the sun. I'll chase the moon. Whichever way the wind blows. Can we leave? Stranger, please? Can we go now? Let's just go. We don't even need to pack. Okay? We'll just go. Don't worry. We don't need to come back. We can just leave our stuff exactly where it is. We'll leave our literal baggage with our metaphorical baggage and we can soar. No devices to kill our brain cells. No people to kill our heart... cells? It'll just be us. But you gotta promise you won't up-n-leave.

You wanna keep running? You wanna never stop? You wanna feel the sun on your face while we run through a meadow? You wanna taste sweet nectar? I do. I was born to run. We can go now if you'd like. Now sounds nice. Dontcha think? I like now. Let's run now? Don't turn around or everything will catch up. Stop! Don't look back. Look ahead. Keep moving we're getting there. We'll be there. Can I promise? No. But I can promise we won't be here. Give it time. Are you ready? Let's go. Now.

You wanna stop running? Are you saying this was all for nothing? Are you saying we made it this far just so you can leave? Didn't you make a promise? You broke it? Of course. Why did i trust you? Why do i trust anyone? I was born to run. We're not the same anymore, huh? We changed, huh? We don't like to admit it, huh? I know. Did we think it would last forever? You can't run forever. You've got too much to hold on to. I can go. I'm going. I'm like the Energizer Bunny. Still going.

You want me to stop running? No. I was born to run. People like me are made to keep going. I'm not stopping. You made your choice. You stopped running. I'm still running. I'm still going to run until I've found my finish line. I'm in too deep to turn back. You pickin' up what I'm putting down? I left you where you wanted to stop. That was your finish line. It wasn't mine. It won't be mine. Unless you make some promises. Even then, I can't trust you. So what do I do? For now, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. So, I guess I'll just keep running.

On Letting Go

Dear Anyone,
Albert Camus once said, "Life is the sum of all your choices."


Last night, I couldn't sleep well. I woke up 5 times. I had nightmares. 3 of them. One of them, I believe it was the second, really made me think about what I'm doing. In this dream, I saw my best friend of 3 years' girlfriend. She was mad-dogging me so I walked over and asked if she was mad at me. I thought she was mad because I hung out with her man on Friday, but she said she didn't mind that. Apparently, she had told my best friend of 3 years a secret about her that she never wanted anyone to know, and he told me. (Side Note: I told a secret yesterday that I shouldn't have told. Then I watched Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami and some chick told a secret she wasn't supposed to tell.) I wanted to tell her that any time he brought her up, I would just stare at him and nod and think of how much I envy their relationship. However, I think that would've been the end of me getting to hang out with him (assuming he puts her before his best friend). So I told her a half-lie. I told her that I didn't remember anything he said about her except that he loves her and all that junk. Then, for some reason, I stood up, walked outside, and ignored her as she yelled at me to come back.

This Morning, I woke up with a big headache after the most uncomfortable night I can remember. I played that dream over and over in my head. I daydreamed that my best friend of 3 years and I were on a plane looking over New York. I gave him the window seat because he's never been on a plane. He fell asleep during the flight and I would occasionally look over at his Sculpted-by-the-Gods face. I kept having to remind myself that this would be the only time I could watch such a miraculous thing as this. It was romantic in the most platonic way. But where does all this dreaming leave me? I don't know what to do. I can't even think of his name without getting weak-kneed. Without getting an overwhelming feeling of joy and pleasure. Without my heart feeling like it's dropping into my stomach. Without feeling the thrill and fear you get when you're in mid-air on a huge roller coaster.

Today, I'm going to have to sort these feelings out. I'm going to have to prioritize, I need to know what aspects of our friendship I want to stay the same (i.e. hanging out, joking around, talking about middle school) and thing that we maybe shouldn't do so much anymore (i.e. talk about relationships, plan our future, reminisce about our childhood, look into each others eyes for more than 5 seconds). God, I want to appreciate that I have him in my life at all! I want to forget that I get super sensitive when I talk about him. I want to remember that we have so much History that I would never do anything to endanger our friendship. Yet, I want him to know that it kills me when he's with her. And at the same time, I don't want him to know that. You know what I want? A do-over!

This week, is going to be the hardest week I've had this year. I'm going to be content and I'm going to cry. I'm going to be strong and I'm going to be weak. I'm going to try and remember why I didn't always love him and I'm going to try and remember what it is about him that drives me up the wall. Maybe it's because he's sincere. Maybe it's because I would have never imagined I'd be friends with someone like him. Maybe it's because he's one of 4-5 people that I talk to outside of my "bubble". Maybe it's the way he says things that are sweet, but not the repulsive kind. Maybe it's because his existence gives mine meaning. Maybe it's because he was the subject of 90% of the poems I wrote between 2007 and early 2009. Maybe it's because he is the visual representation of my favourite school year. Maybe it's because I talk so highly of him to everyone and it soaks in. Or maybe it's simply because he's the only guy who hasn't bailed. <3

-LucixHero

P.S. 3 days and this stupid grin is still here.

Things Are Looking Up

Dear Anyone,
I'm a total lame-o.

Today, I got to hang out with my best friend of 3 years. Last year we hardly spoke and it broke my heart. I was so excited to finally have the chance to converse and just exist with him. We talked for hours about relationships, our year, our future, and our childhood. According to my sister, Lesliee, and my mom, I was smiling like a fool the whole time. But you know what they say, even fools fall in love. Not to suggest that I am in love with said friend, but I am.... hopelessly.

Today, my best friend of 3 years told me he could make me cry, and inside I was thinking "You don't have to do anything to make me cry. Just being here with you is making me choke back tears." Sappy and gross, I know. But what am I supposed to feel when I can't even look at him without feeling nervous and astonished at the same time? By the way, looking into those paradisiacal eyes that live behind his mile long lashes didn't help!

Today, I felt that something I thought had died inside of me long ago was alive. I'm foolish for feeling like this way. I mean it can't be love. Right? I'm FAR TOO YOUNG to know what love is. Right? Then again, high school sweethearts get married all the time! But if that's the case, he'll be marrying his girlfriend, an old friend of mine from Kindergarten. FML.

Today, my best friend of 3 years taught me a lot. Thanks to him, I know that Boli's aren't breakfast. I learned that he hasn't watched Friends in a while. I learned that he doesn't think he's going to marry his current girlfriend. I learned that he wants a tattoo that starts as a sleeve and goes up to his chest. (HOT! I know) if you want a girl to love you, you first have to make her hate you. I learned that everyone's a pervert. I learned that I shouldn't let my mom persuade me to wear shorts if I don't want to. I learned that he can be mean, but he never wants to be mean to me. I learned that you can't have breakfast for dinner. I learned that if I leave to Boston and he goes to UC Santa Barbara, he'll miss me. I learned that sometimes silence makes everything more intense and beautiful. I learned that I can't carry on this way.

Today, I realized that hot tears don't fix things. I just know that I have to keep sucking it up. Every time I feel like I'm falling for him, I have to snap out of it. Even if he brings out my femininity. Even if I can count on him for anything and everything. Even if I want to be with him asap. I guess I just have to remind myself that (get ready for the cliché) my love for him as a friend is way stronger than my love for him as anything more.

Today, I imagined my best friend of 3 years singing the tons of songs that played in my head as he spoke. His voice is sweeter than strawberries. His intellect on a level that I cannot grasp. His humor and mine completely intact. Our dreams so different, yet so freakishly similar. We can still talk about all the dumb stuff we used to talk about, but now there's a door that has opened that allows us to speak on a more mature level. Everything is the way it should be.

Today, when I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes, it wasn't the same as it was in the beginning of our Freshman year. You know what it felt like? Like I was resting my head on someone's shoulder! I know, I know. That's what I was doing, so that's what it should feel like, but it didn't feel like that last time.

Last time, we went to a football game at Sentinel Field. I was there with my 2 best friends: Princess and my best friend of 3 years. We talked and laughed as we did today, but in those days I was so comfortable just saying anything. That was the day we stood on the bleachers and hugged it out for, what seemed like, 5 minutes. My eyes were closed as I rested my head on his welcoming shoulder. I could have died there and not even noticed. He rocked us side to side as he spoke to me in that angelic voice. Princess even told me that a friend of ours, Da'Janae, asked if we were dating. That idea didn't (and still doesn't) sound bad at all. <3

-LucixHero

P.S. It's been over 15 hours since we went our separate ways, but this ridiculous grin is still living on my face.

Stress Relief

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<3Give Peace A Chance

The Jellybean People

The Jellybean People

Although they may come in different shades and sizes, every jellybean contains exactly the same ingredients inside. All human beings are also the same inside... just like me, just like you.

The next time you see someone different from yourself,

try to be aware of your feelings about

that person. Instead of thinking about what makes you different, think about what makes you both the same... just like me, just like you.

When you look at someone, do you automatically stereotype them by their appearance? Or do you take time to analyze them and find the kind of person they are? Be honest. It's not your fault if you judge; maybe society makes us this way.

I'm taking a poll

Whats your favourite movie of all time?

Imponderable 2

Let's say someone was in the hospital because she was slowly dying of some rare disease and was in very much pain. She has a needle in her arm that is feeding her the medicine that is keeping her alive. Because she is in complete agony, she decides to rip out the needle and end it all, but realized that suicide is grounds for eternal damnation, so she attemptst to put it back into her arm, seizes, and dies. You are God. Would you send this person to hell or let her slide?