On Letting Go

Dear Anyone,
Albert Camus once said, "Life is the sum of all your choices."


Last night, I couldn't sleep well. I woke up 5 times. I had nightmares. 3 of them. One of them, I believe it was the second, really made me think about what I'm doing. In this dream, I saw my best friend of 3 years' girlfriend. She was mad-dogging me so I walked over and asked if she was mad at me. I thought she was mad because I hung out with her man on Friday, but she said she didn't mind that. Apparently, she had told my best friend of 3 years a secret about her that she never wanted anyone to know, and he told me. (Side Note: I told a secret yesterday that I shouldn't have told. Then I watched Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami and some chick told a secret she wasn't supposed to tell.) I wanted to tell her that any time he brought her up, I would just stare at him and nod and think of how much I envy their relationship. However, I think that would've been the end of me getting to hang out with him (assuming he puts her before his best friend). So I told her a half-lie. I told her that I didn't remember anything he said about her except that he loves her and all that junk. Then, for some reason, I stood up, walked outside, and ignored her as she yelled at me to come back.

This Morning, I woke up with a big headache after the most uncomfortable night I can remember. I played that dream over and over in my head. I daydreamed that my best friend of 3 years and I were on a plane looking over New York. I gave him the window seat because he's never been on a plane. He fell asleep during the flight and I would occasionally look over at his Sculpted-by-the-Gods face. I kept having to remind myself that this would be the only time I could watch such a miraculous thing as this. It was romantic in the most platonic way. But where does all this dreaming leave me? I don't know what to do. I can't even think of his name without getting weak-kneed. Without getting an overwhelming feeling of joy and pleasure. Without my heart feeling like it's dropping into my stomach. Without feeling the thrill and fear you get when you're in mid-air on a huge roller coaster.

Today, I'm going to have to sort these feelings out. I'm going to have to prioritize, I need to know what aspects of our friendship I want to stay the same (i.e. hanging out, joking around, talking about middle school) and thing that we maybe shouldn't do so much anymore (i.e. talk about relationships, plan our future, reminisce about our childhood, look into each others eyes for more than 5 seconds). God, I want to appreciate that I have him in my life at all! I want to forget that I get super sensitive when I talk about him. I want to remember that we have so much History that I would never do anything to endanger our friendship. Yet, I want him to know that it kills me when he's with her. And at the same time, I don't want him to know that. You know what I want? A do-over!

This week, is going to be the hardest week I've had this year. I'm going to be content and I'm going to cry. I'm going to be strong and I'm going to be weak. I'm going to try and remember why I didn't always love him and I'm going to try and remember what it is about him that drives me up the wall. Maybe it's because he's sincere. Maybe it's because I would have never imagined I'd be friends with someone like him. Maybe it's because he's one of 4-5 people that I talk to outside of my "bubble". Maybe it's the way he says things that are sweet, but not the repulsive kind. Maybe it's because his existence gives mine meaning. Maybe it's because he was the subject of 90% of the poems I wrote between 2007 and early 2009. Maybe it's because he is the visual representation of my favourite school year. Maybe it's because I talk so highly of him to everyone and it soaks in. Or maybe it's simply because he's the only guy who hasn't bailed. <3

-LucixHero

P.S. 3 days and this stupid grin is still here.